I have been thinking

Ever since the other night, I have been thinking a lot about what was said and how it relates to my life. Referring to my acting class. It is pretty amazing to me that sometimes we just don't even understand our own selves. We have an idea of who we are, but when it comes out in the wash, we are not that person. Bizarre to me. As I sat and watched my audition tape, I thought I knew what I saw in the mirror everyday. On film I was totally not what I expected. I felt pretty for the first time in my life. Glamorous. I don't mean to sound vain or conceited, but I am 30 something and I have never felt glamorous in my life until this week. I don't think that I am a dog or anything, but just average looking. Plain and simple. Low maintence whatever. I am not all what I think that I am on the inside either. I am selfish, ego maniac, who thinks everything should be about me. I draw attention to myself on pupose. I direct the conversation to include me by telling relational stories so that I feel like I belong. That is my destination in life I think. To belong, to identify. For once, I am trying not to even care what anyone thinks about me. I am trying to be and say how I feel and not worry about the outcome of others. If they choose to get offended or mad or hurt, that is their business. I just want to be me. I probably want fulfill what I just said because I do care what you think. I do want people to like me. I bring crudeness on myself most of the time. Short jokes, dumb jokes, whatever is the joke of choice. I play into it, not on purpose mind you. I just say what I think which most don't to avoid looking stupid. I just say it without thinking and fall into the trap of being a joke. Not taken seriously.

My next thought is why do I judge people for the things they say. Oh he is smart, oh she is such an idiot, oh that is a valid point she made etc. Why can't I just sit and listen and not be judgmental? Why can't I be excepting of other people? Why do I always think that person is not cool. That person is an idiot. Where is the grace?

Enough thought.