Monday, February 28, 2005

Busy weekend and most likely a busy week.

We celebrated my husbands birthday all weekend. It was a riot. Eric and I both were recipents of selfless gifts this weekend. Amazing. That is all I can say.

I have a busy week ahead. I work m w f sat. We have inventory Sunday while the stupid store is open. That will be fun. Loads of Fun.

I will start my acting class next week. I am truly excited about that. I never do anything like this. Meaning it is pricey, but I really feel this is what I need to do. I expect this will make me into a better person.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005


do I belive in it? I am not sure, if destiny means things happen a certain way for a certain reason then maybe I do.

Tonight, this woman at work bared her soul to me. I've never met her in my whole life. She talked to me about her son being in Iraq. She was moved to tears. She apoligized for rambling, but I didn't mind. It was amazing. It felt like a God moment. Like it was meant to be. Even at my minial job, I can be used. God ministered to that lady through me. It was so awesome. Thanks, Lord for using a worn out vessel.

In other news, I have been helping the kids with their art fair projects that are due Friday. It is hard not to do them myself, but I must let them do it. I am such a perfectionist. ARGH. I will allow them to do it themselves.

I am off tomorrow. Yeah.

Tuesday, February 22, 2005

Wow What an amazing experience!!!!!

I am just amazed at the class I just got home from. I sat for 4 hours in a class and it felt like 2 minutes. The teacher is pretty amazing. His name is Frank.He is an italian New Yorker. He is very inspiring. He is a amazing man. He says he is a jerk, but I beg to differ. It was amazing watching this man work. I am looking foward to him peeling the layers off of me from previous acting experience and learning who I am as an actor. Pretty amazing. My new acting teacher is friends with Phil Hoffman.

I told Eric that this guys seems to be the real deal. He seems to be in the know of what is going on. As I have said before, I don't want to be famous. I probably couldn't handle it. I just want to learn and respect the field of acting. I think that Frank will be a good person to pull out the things that I need to let shine as an actress. It should be intresting.

Going to see

I am going to check you the acting class out tonight in Madison. It is by this guy who works or has worked in NY. It should be pretty intresting. I don't know if I will actually take the class, I will know more after all is said and done.

Everything else is looking ok. My JcPenny catalog finally came. I found a comforter in there my mom is going to buy for me just because she wanted to do somethig nice for me. I thought it was very thoughtful of her. My parents always are doing things for the kids which is great, but ever once in awhile it is nice when they do something for me. It makes me feel like a little kid again.

Finanically, I guess everything is as good as it could be. It is very overwhelming sometimes. IT will all work itself out. One of these days we will be debt free. We got approved for our new roof via insurance, we have got to come up with the deductible.

Thursday, February 17, 2005

Obsessive, decisions and Expectations

I am such an obsessive person. I run things in the ground. Yes, it is true. I hate that I am this way. being this way many times leads to diasappointment and chest pain. Arggh. I got obsessive about my weight and lost 55 pounds. I still am obsessed with that. Even though I have started eating more. I have decided to say when I start to eat something I shouldn't. Go ahead you just want to be fat. Go ahead. Eat it. Same thing with money I want to spend. Go ahead be in debt for the rest of your life. Go ahead. Is it so wrong that I want to be a good wife, a good mother, a good daughter, sister, daughter-in-law, a good grandaughter, skinny, debt free and be an actress. (not famous really, but just do theatre and film for the rest of my life and get paid for it. ) Is that to much to ask? Who knows? I say I want these things, but I exercised 1 this week, I didn't clean the house as good as I could, I didn't spend as much time with my family as I should, I didn't dote on my husband and tell him how wonderful he is all week. I am fooling myself. I fold under pressure. I am choosing my on fate. I must decide what I want and let noone or anything stand in my way.

Surgery Update (guys might want to skip this part)

I got an all clear from the dr. this week. Seems like my period will be absent for several years anyway. Then we will just have to have the plumbing taken out.

Wednesday, February 16, 2005

Acting Class

There is an acting class in Huntsville taught by this guy from New York. I may go visit it on my next Tuesday off to check it out. A couple of my friends go and they love it. I can't go on a regular basis so I may see if I can go 1 a month or something. It should be fun regardless to check it out and see my friends I have not seen in awhile.

In my acting book, I am learning that studying the posture of gymnast and dancers will help one learn to carry themselves on stage better.

I have nothing to hide.

I was thinking of this yesterday. Some people are very complex people. They are like the character of Shrek or an onion, they have layers. Some of the layers are open and some of them are locked for no one to see. I am trying to really put deep thought into this because I desire to understand a person like this. I am sure most of it stems from their past. I assume this because I am a person that doesn't have locked layers.

(I don't think I do anyway. I am pretty transparent and have been all my life. You can ask my hubby if I have changed very much, he will tell you no. The reason I know this is because he was asked recently. And my friend Scott said I am like a little girl.)

Anyway, my past is not dark, or filled with regrets. Maybe that is why it is open to the naked eye. It is hard for anyone to say that they wouldn't change one thing about their life. Even the few times that I had hardship enter my life, I truly can say that I appreciate the experience.

So how do I understand a person so complex with locked layers? I don't know. When I don't understand a person, I just try to except them and love them for who they are. I guess that is all one can do.

Tuesday, February 15, 2005

Cold morning, acting update

It was cold this morning. I didn't want to get out of bed for sure. Burr.

Last night I was very tired when I got home, but I was wound up from work. I worked my butt off last night. Came home and decided to stay up and read some of my acting books that I am reading. The book is about building a character from ground up. It is pretty inspiring. So after reading I decided to search the web for possible acting opp. I stumbled on to this film sight where it list movies being filmed in Alabama and there is an audition coming up that I think that I am going to try out for. It will probably be an extra or something, but that would be ok with me. I just want the experience. It will be next weekend in Sheffield, Alabama. It is some civil rights movie with Louis Gosset Jr., Naomi Judd, Chris Christophersen etc.

I am a little excited about this.

Sunday, February 13, 2005

What is love?

Unconditional love is Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not selfseeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Just thinking, danger danger!!!!!

What is Christianity? and who am I? I am a seeker for sure. I seek the right path on a daily basis. My background is that I studied the Bible for about 15 years inductively. I read the Bible through many times, I did this study and that study. I gained much knowledge. I sincerly hid God's word in my heart. I allowed God to guide me in the steps I took in my life. A devasting spiritual event happened that I do not intend to write and relive. I still continued to study and seek out God. Then, I came to a spirtual point where I didn't want to study, I didn't want to learn anymore. I just started sorting. I came to a point where I wanted to know what God was saying to me and What man had taught me. (Till this day, I am still sorting.) In all honesty and sincerity, I have truly tried to seek God and allow him to guide me in my life.

Now to the thinking part, recently I have been thinking about why I don't study anymore intensely. I read on occasion, but not on a regular basis. I have no desire to study like I use to. God is still guiding me. I belive that God can use anything he created to speak to me. He reveals himself to me continually in my life. So, while thinking about all of this. I began to think about religon and beliefs, church. I feel so many times as Christians, we lose the realness of who God is. We say we our living out of the box, but we just change boxes. we get a different sized box, we get a new set of rules, we change things up, but still we dont' allow God to work were he wants to. I am not saying that we shouldn't have church services that do this and that. Maybe I think that whatever we do should just be us and not prepackaged. I can only relate to things I understand inside my box. That sickens me. How can I relate to someone who I have nothing in common with. Example., I have a friend who the only thing we have in common is where we work. We don't have similar taste, style or religion. So how do I relate to that person. I be real I think and show that person God's love while at work. I don't have to invite this person to small group or church or anything. I just show her God' s lvoe at work. That is being real. I have no desire to hang out with this person, in all honesty. I don't really care to be around her, but I feel God is using me to plant seed in this person life. I haven't honestly thought about being a witness to this person, but opportunity has arisen several times. So , I stepped up to the plate and took a swing at it. So God has used this opp to teach me that all I have to do is be relative to the situation and not add anything extra to the situation just be myself and be open to minister to whoever God places in my path. Maybe this is not the way, Maybe I am totally off base, but for now, I am not at place to do indepth study, or I don't want to hang out with people that I can't relate to, I am being me. To thine on self be true. I guess the key is like the beining of this quest of thought Who am I ? Am I a product of God or Man?

Changes and such

Very busy week. Last week, I went back to my regular work schedule. Finally, I had recovered from being put to sleep and now I am tired from being back at work so many hours. Not complaing by any means, I am just happy to be here. Got through the week. The girls had valentine stuff to do for their homeschool coop classes they take once a week on Friday. That is was fun. I love holidays. I guess that stems from my parents putting a lot of emphasis on them.

Eric and I had a great day yesterday. We slept in, then we got up and headed to huntsville to get the girls a new swim suit for valentine's day. They needed a practice suit The fabric on the speedo and nike brand doesn't wear like the walmart suit does. So we dropped some dough, but hopefully it will make for a good investment.

After the swim shop, we headed to have our annual valentine day meal at humphries. We had nice conversation as always. We talked about how our perspective on things is changing for the better. Whether it be Church, Fiances, health , child rearing, or our relationship. We both agreed that we were moving in the right direction. We ended our valentine day with a trip to some desert shop which violates any diet. It was pretty nice. Then it was home and then we hung out over at Scott's and watched a great valentine movie "sixteen candles". It was a nice valentine's day for me. Really with Eric, every day is valentine's day. I am not trying to be cheesy or stupid, even though it soulds like it. We are both very fortunate to be able to celbrate the love and relationship we have every day of our lives. That happens when you find your soul mate.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

hodge podge of thoughts and such.

Recovery from surgery is so far good. No site of George anywhere.

Budgeting money is difficult, but it will work out.

Income tax will be here soon to help kick debt in the pants.

I am off today yippee.

I was supposed to go on a field trip, but decided to do something for myself and be a selfish selfish thing and stay at home. hee hee.

I love Eric so much. He is a great guy. He is the most wonderul man in the whole world.

I can't wait to get back to exercising. This is the last week of recovery, before I go back to the dr.

Must go now.

Friday, February 04, 2005


I had a pretty good day, until I went to buy groceries. I hate walmart. The past couple of months we have been spoiled. We have been shopping at publix.

Anyway back to the good part. We went to homeschool classes. I taught my pe classes. Then we went to skate day at the skate castle. After that it was time for swim lessons and while Holly swam Heidi and I headed over to look for a book at the learning tree for school. After no success, she wanted to go to pro music to look at what else, drums. She was so cute in there.

After that headed over to pick up holly and then it was back home to drop them off.

I watched a littl of actor's studio.

After that, it was off to the grocery store to buy stuff.

Then spent a little time with the girls lookin through yughio cards.

all in all it was a 9 out of 10 off day.

My reflection

I am reflecting on planning. Since hopefully we may, and I stress may be out of debt in 3 years. We are going to have to have heart and strong will to make it happen. Once the snowball rolls, it will roll.

(back to my reflection)

My plan is once we are out of debt, I am weighing on my options.

1. continue to homeschool and go back to school

options for school

a. pe teacher high school
b. pe/coach college level requires a masters degree sometimes dr.
c. athletic trainer
d. sports medicine dr.

2. continue to school and take acting classes to pursue my true passion. It is not that I want to be famous or anything like that. I just want to pursue acting.

Just like music, acting and sports have always been escapes for me. I have put those aside because of other responsibilities. I believe once we are debt free, eric and I will be able to focus on our future and our children's future.

What is going on with me?

I just don't understand why my body is in high strung mode, unless it is is pms. I may not have a period as I used to know it,time will tell, but I can still have symptoms which are normally:

1. moodness
2. cramps
3. anxiety attacks due to the moodness
4. depression

I have experienced all of these this week.

Wednesday, February 02, 2005

I feel like the financial world is closing in on me.

Dave said it would be like this. I look at our finances and I think how the heck did we back into this mess again. Then, I answer, stupid sin. I am determined this time to get out and stay out at all cost. I am tired of budgeting. I am tired of scrapping the bottom. I am tired of all of it. Financial, we suck. Who the heck did we think we where? Why do we need so much crap? Once I get out of debt, I am going to go on a trip to the mountains and just breathe.

Rough night at the Depot for me. I made a mistake by hitting the wrong button on the telezon and deleting all the scans I had made in 1:30 hours. So I had to go back and complete them. It made me so stressed and mad that It took me so many times to go back and fix what I had messed up. I am still not sure that it is all right.

I need to be in bed right now. I didn't get up until late today. I was tired. Here we are again at 11:30 almost awake. I would be all paniced out if I went to bed right now. My anxiety is kicked in. I am about to go do some yoga to relax. I love yoga. It is an excape.

I know that I sould pretty frustrated right now. I know that it will all work out. Even in my sinful state, God still loves me. Thank God for that. I don't love myself very much right now. sigh. I am hating myself for allowing my finiances to get in this mess. At least I have figured out why I can't say no to Eric. The bottom line is I dont' want him to get mad at me. I don't want him to be frustrated. I don't want him to do without anything. Boy, Dr. Phil would be all over this. I am trying to change this and let him get mad about money.

He filled out our taxes tonight. We will actually be getting something back this time. Pretty amazing. It is more than what we used to get back. Hopefully this will help us start our emergency fund and catch up some things.

I feel wrong for even asking God to help me get out of this mess. I feel bad for even turning to him. I know that he is there, but I am just ashamed.

Tuesday, February 01, 2005

First day of what

It is already the first day of Febuary. I can't believe it. Time flies that is for sure.

Paying off bills is pretty slow. It is taking off time. We have tested our committment several times. We both want it to pay off. I figure we better do it now, before our children know what certain brand clothing they choose to wear. They already are so adapted to our want lifestyle. All kids this day and time need to be told no more often when asking for wants. This will hopefully teach them to manage their money and marry someone who manages money well.

I did some yoga today. This is the first time since my surgery. I was a little concerned, but when my body yelled stop I just stopped. I was encouraged by the amount of flexibility that I have maintained. I must do yoga for the rest of my life. I haven't done yoga actually in about 3 weeks and similar symptoms are creaking back in. I have almost turned my ankle several times. I got a catch in my hip a couple of times. Leg cramps, painful. I am going to try yoga for this week and then hopefully I can get back to the bike in a week or so. I need to start walking again. Maybe I will do that next week.

Must catch up on some reading.